Succession

I have become the monster!! I’ve become the very thing I have come to hate, years of loyalty, and self-indulging in saccharine dreams of a fictional manifestation of love that I built to cope with the bitter reality of loving a broken person. The pain I feel, the resentment, the begrudge !! Whatever I am or have become, I blame you for it! As I fought to keep you, to be your anesthetic in your moments of pain the more anesthetized you became towards me, and somehow, I blamed myself for that….no matter how benign I was you still somehow hated me for reasons I have never come to know. Your heart burned with fury for me and your eyes raged with a deep fire that I never knew to be love. The longer and harder I fought to tame you the more of me I lost, the less sure of myself I became, the less of me I began to recognize, and the more of me that began to see blacks and blues…I was demoralized. Suddenly, I thought of how much I would love to live without regret, without a care in the world like you, so I altered my behavior, my libido, the path I walked, my aura, and my desires, all of which were inspired by you. The pain I caused others became irrelevant to me as I became so consumed, some might say compulsive, with desensitizing myself to pain. In some ways, it was fun to not care or love anyone. In some ways, it was like not being among the living but still being alive. In those moments I realized I no longer possessed myself; I possessed you! I have become you...